I wanna be a Pakistani Liberal


(Interview with a Pakistani Liberal – Satire)

Why do you think you are superman?

Well there are lot of reasons for being a superman. First I have this t-shirt with Superman printed on it. Other reason is that I always dreamed to be one, honestly speaking there’s no way to be a real superman but being a liberal gives you glimpse of it. In the mean of sometime I am sure you’d also think this about yourself.

Do you believe in Revolution?

Revolution is the only way to salvation. You know, listening to Justin Beiber I often think about coming good times of Pakistan. I believe only following footsteps of Che Guevera can bring peace in this country. Before I go any further, I must mention I do not advocate Iranian style revolution. Imagine what good a country would be where alcohol is banned.

But Who is Che Guevera?

Pfft! you don’t know him? Well He is…. He is… He is….*Please can you cut the camera for a while*

Googles Che Guevera

Resumes : Oh Che Guevera was an Argentine revolutionary leader who was Fidel Castro’s chief lieutenant in the Cuban revolution; active in other Latin American countries; was captured and executed by the Bolivian army (1928-1967) 

What do you think about Pakistan?

Aah Pakistan? Pakistan is a nice country, it has four provinces. Oh Wait! It has five provinces. Oh I think Pakistan has five rivers, yeah, five rivers and four provinces. Well Its a country where gays are not given their basic rights, Its a country where you cannot speak against Islam freely. You know the saddest thing is even alcohol is officially banned in Pakistan, It was always governed by bad people. General Zia ul Haq was the most tyrant ruler ever, he committed the biggest sin by banning brothels all over Pakistan.

Who is Quaid e Azam?

I think I have read about him somewhere. Oh I remember when I was kid, I asked my uncle about the old man on 1 rupee note. He happened to be Quaid e Azam. Well I think he was founder of Pakistan.

Why do you want Pakistan to be secular state?

Once the religion goes out of state, I am sure ban on alcohol will be lifted.

What do you think about Media?

Oh well Media is the only place where I can pretend to be an intellectual.

If you were president of Pakistan, what changes you would to bring?

At first place I would give away Rolls Royce Phantoms to each member of my family. Then I would buy myself a Ferrari 595 and would go on a ride with my girl friend. I think these banks are very unsafe place for the peoples money, So Its better to place the peoples money in President House Safe. I would amend the constitution in every possible way to prolong my reign.

Who is your inspiration?

The great ‘Double Shah’ is my inspiration. I am sure nobody on earth can be this evil in fooling people with the exception of Zardari Sahib.

How can I become a liberal?

Oh its not a hard thing, all you have to do is to raise voice for gay rights, uplifting alcohol ban, talk against hijab, train yourself to think that Islam is just an literally thing, try to put yourself in a western style life debunking all your moral values and there you go.

By

Rana Usman

@rana_usman

One thought on “I wanna be a Pakistani Liberal

  1. This is so funny and strikingly true. You forgot three four main points of these #Fakeliberals

    1. Always Blame Pakistan
    2. Bash Army and ISI
    3. Talk against Two Nation Theory
    4. Avoid discussion on Kashmir and all other areas where muslims are subject of persecution
    5. Aggressively Pro-India
    6. Blame Everything wrong in Pakistan on mullas (although i partially agree with them on this point but not everything can be blamed on mullas)
    7. Preach tolerance, yet themselves are most intolerant.

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